ici hidup lagi!

My new mantra…

1.  Monthly $$$ input into my ASB - make a mental note…deduct straight from salary.  Must find out how once I register to my new hospital.

2.  Must not take anymore money out of ASB!!!  No matter how emergency it may seem

3.  Aim for the stuff, save, then buy.  No buy now, pay later (but I knew that…hehehe, I’ve always done that.)

4.  Future plans - Unit trust funds!!! argh, when am I going to start?  my baby is coming up in February.  Hmm, must ask hubby to invest in Takaful Malaysia for Education plan + health rider.  Yup yup, his responsibility <grin>.

5.  Make a blog about my achievements and future goals.  I lost my little notebook about my achievement so far.  Maybe it’s at Mama’s house, all my books are there.  Ni nak refer book for my ortho posting pun susah, sebab takde tempat dah kat rumah ni nak letak my stuff yang bertimbun tu.  Sigh, oh well, just live with it.

I’ve finished with sewing for my baby.  Most of the stuff I need right after newborn dah siap.  Certain stuff I will only buy after delivery.  So far, according to budget, I’ve spent RM700 for baby, RM300 below my initial budget.  Yay!  Me smart hueheuheueh.  Thank God datang dari family besar.  Big stuff like car seat, bassinet and cot sumer dapat dari elder sisters.  Maternity blouse pun beli 2 je, coz my sis in law bagi yang lama.  woohoo…well some ppl can say I’m a big saver, some people can say I’m stingy.  Who cares.

Since dah habis hobby sewing barut and bedung and bibs (why do all start with a B?), I’m surfing on how to save more money for the future.  My future and baby’s future.  Dah download banyak excel worksheet on retirement plan, personal budgeting.

See, if I want to retire by age of 45 (let say laa), that’s 18 years more, and if I save about RM6000 a year in ASB(that’s RM500 a month), by that 18 years, I already have RM200,000 in ASB.  haaa! nice kan?  Arwah Abah kata susah2 dahulu, senang2 kemudian.

Hmmm, macam mana nak handle money for building my house in next 2 years ek?  kalau naik gaji pun, maybe naik RM 200 jek.  Nasib baik government officer boleh dapat 4% interest jek.  Hmmm, tak per tak per (self assurance kih kih kih), bila the time comes, I can make adjustments to payments to ASB and home loan.

Sometimes I wonder where my hubby comes into picture.  Yeah…I wonder…

Did my 2nd trimester scan yesterday.  Still considering where I’m going to deliver.  Well, bayangkanlah, due date somewhere in February.  And guess what?  My medical posting had just been released 2 days ago…I’m suppose to report to Pengarah Kesihatan Negeri Perlis…yup…PERLIS…nunnnnn di atas sana.  I’m suppose to meet them before end of December.  Haha, gelabah semua orang kat rumah ni.

But anyway, where ever I’m going, I have to go somewhere in December or January next year, and by that time dah almost 32 weeks.  I still haven’t book my hospital for delivery!!!  Off course, like everybody else, I’m appealing for a closer placement for my MOship.  Coz once I got the place, I’m going to stay there until I quit the government, or further my study for Master program, or until they hate my guts that they just want to throw me out.  The earliest I can think of is 2 years.  Since that’s the new goverment policy.  It’s not 3 years anymore.  So in the mean time, got to equip myself with an international certificate, at least passing part 1 of…erm..MRCOG (UK) maybe?

My MIL is trying her very best to get me to Negeri Sembilan or Melaka - closer to KL - she finally found out that posting in KL or Selangor is out of the question (she called her ‘friend’ somewhere up there in Putrajaya.  Off course she didn’t know that when she got me into UMMC when I started my housemanship.  Well, now she’s pulling her old wires.  Me just wait and see…I’d rather like it that ‘fate’ has decided, but everyone else is very insistent.

I was just wondering why they didn’t just send me to sabah and sarawak.  Kind of fun isn’t it?  Totally new environment.  Hmmm, but I just read MMR forum, and got really scary vibes.  I’m not equiped to be a medical officer, but then I won’t ever be equiped if I stay in UMMC as a house officer anyway.  If I am placed in general hospital, it’s different.  There are senior officers and lecturers to consult.  If I am placed in district hospital, the whole place is going to be run by me.  Oh boy, even if Ici tak sarat mengandung pun, I don’t know if I can handle it.  Sigh!  But bila lagi nak go through this thing kan?

Anyway, back to the scan…it’s 98% sure that this baby is a girl.  At first I thot it’s going to be a boy.  Lasak betul!  16 weeks dah rasa gerak sana sini, macam ada twins pulak.  At 5 o’clock in the morning dah wake me up, regardless how many times I told her I need the rest.  Hmm, from the scan, dagu for sure from me, and hidung pun mancung, kaki pun panjang.  But we’ll see again next month.  Hubby haven’t seen a  live scan yet, so planning to bring him to one next month.

I’m filling up my time with my old hobby…sewing.  At least hubby doesn’t have to see me monyok almost everyday coz feeling bored.  I’ve made baby barut for newborn and baby barut for above 5 months old (bila dah meniarap nanti).  I’m going to buy a little bit more cotton fabrics for bedsheets and receiving blankets.  This time it can be flowery coz dah almost sure it’s a girl.  But God is great, He just might give everyone a surprise.

Waiting for December sale!!! Bila nak start nih?  Gonna buy baby stuff after this.  Budget semua less than Rm2000, and that includes EVERYTHING including teeny weeny stuff like cotton balls.  Thanx to my sisters who’s willing to pass down baby stuff, like car seat, bassinet, the cot, and some maternity clothes.  I still need to search for stroller, but that can wait much later.

Okay, need to get ready for work soon.  My baby has already woken me up and I can’t sleep anymore. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWkRrSkfKIc

Or u can view it here http://blog.annegeddes.com/

My favorite pics of all time…

at work, and nothing else does it other than the people around you.  This bulan Ramadhan is a real trial for my patience.  It’s been only the first week, and I kept getting home exhausted of my feelings and thoughts of anger, and I HATE IT!  I don’t want to feel this way I know I easily get moody when I’m hungry, but this is BEYOND me.

Why is there so many double standards in our lives?  I don’t know how, but the radiology system at my place needs a change.  They need to see the patient more than just what’s on screen or some written papers!  Just because the father of the radiology staff got a suspected stroke, they easily say, ‘Oh!  we can easily slot in MRangio today!’.  And there’s a guy in ICU who’s GCS dropping from 13 to 9 to 6 to 3, they couldn’t do because they don’t see the urgency to it?!  Suddenly they can EASILY SLOT IN this VVIP, and not at least one other urgent case for the day???

Off course we need the MRI if we can’t see anything in the CT scan!  Dhuh, if we can see in the CT, why do we need the MRI?  How could we go on with the management if you can’t back up support for the diagnosis.  Isn’t it a good thing if even we ask for a CT scan or whatever, that it turned out to be negative?  It surely excludes a life threatening possible diagnosis ain’t it?  Stupidas. 

They can’t even liased with their own fellow radiologist for the best mode of investigation.  They turned down our Ultrasound doppler for thrombosis, discussed with their senior or lecturer, then suggested for a CT Angiogram for better mode of visualization, AND THEN they ask ME to go ask from the lecturer in charge of the CT Angio.  Their time is SOOOO precious sitting on the chair in front of the blackened room, asking the patient to be sent down within 5 minutes from the wards, and I bet not a single one of them have EVER HELP push the patient from the ward, with wires and oxygen tank haywired, to the trauma centre.  Imagine pushing just 3 patients on their sick bed from the wards to the radiology centre, and most of them are not that slim!  But I bet the radiologist don’t have that kind of imagination.

One of these days, I’m just afraid that I’d snap some nasty words into their head.  Just because I’m a houseman, I got rejected.  Some doesn’t even let me finish my sentence, and ushered me off.  Off course none of these radiologist relatives won’t have to face what some other patient have to face, because they OWN the place don’t they?

Maybe I need a break.  Maybe I should go to another district hospital where there’s no such intelligent people that we feel so dependent on, like the radiologist.  I’m going home everyday feeling so tired because I have so much anger after seeing these kind of people.  It’s surely draining my strength and my pahala puasa.

There are times when I felt like crying in the car on the way home.  Not because I couldn’t get the urgent CT/MRI/whatever, not because I got scold by them, not because I felt that I didn’t manage to do my job, but because of this anger that I felt in myself.  And I know then that my heart in not at peace.  And I pray to God to grant me that peace of mind, for He knows that is the greatest gift he could give to me, and that is the best gift I could ever receive from Him in this life.

First of all, happy birthday Mama! And happy upcoming birtday to Nazli and Nadzmi (the twin terror their mom called them).  And happy belated birthday to my niece Aisya too!

Second, I’m pregnant! 3 months and going, and going, and going…and thus the Buncitness.  Perut dah buyut skit, but I think it’s mostly fat.  Took the booking scan, it’s according to date.  My nephews Nazli and Nadzmi are excited because  my due date is 28/2 2008 or 1/3 2008, but since 2008 is thn lompat, they were somewhat hoping it would be on 29,2 2008.

(Click on the picture to enlarge)

In the scan, the baby looks very shy.  Just kept the arms crossed in front of the face.  And when got nudged, he/she pushed back with both arms.  We took the pictures and distinctly saw the 5 little fingers in each hand.

I’ve also completed my 1 year of housemanship.  Now juz filling up my placement forms.  I don’t know where to go, hopefully nearby.  Sort of afraid because feeling inadequate of skills and knowledge, maklumlah, PPUM hahaha.  Oh well.  I’m in Medical posting now, and Alhamdulillah I got posted into Haematology.  Funny eh, my late father had CML.  Next month, Neurology :(.  Hopefully all goes well.

That would be the eleventh! And OMG!!! He weighs 3.9 kg! I thought Kak chal said the estimated birth weight is 3.7, then she went out to Chillies the night before she delivered, and the baby gained another 0.2 kg.  Hebat betul anak kak chal ni.

But I guess it’s nobody’s fault.  It’s in our genes.  We have a strong family history of diabetes, so big babies is expected.  Still, I don’t want my first baby to be more than 3.5 kg!!! 

When I was in the labour ward, you can actually expect who’s first child will deliver fast, and who will take more than 10 hours.  I mainly talk about first child, because after the second, the babies can pop out (oh yes, we actually use that word) anytime.  For 2nd child onwards, these mother can deliver anytime, from the time they move their butt from the wheelchair…to the bed.

There are quite a few numbers of policewoman and women-soldiers who deliver at the hospital.  These are the woman who I usually watch out for.  They can deliver within 4 hours of active stage (active stage means he opening is already 3 cm or more).  I think it’s because they are active, always on their feet.

So when I talk to women who don’t do much physical activities, i.e officework, stay at home, or simply ’saya memang tak buat banyak kerja, rehat je jaga kesihatan’, I’m very sorry they’ll probably will take a lonnnnnggggggggg time bearing the contraction pain.

As for doctors, especially house officers, it’s expected that we’ll get pre-term babies, and bleeding during pregnancies are common.  We simply have to be on our toes most of the time, and sometimes it’s because we can’t help ourselves.  We don’t the baby we are carrying, we just wanna finish the task at hand.

Today, I worked for half day only.  When I got home, Rusydan said I slept like this…

so he left me be.  I thought of kemas rumah, but oh well.  Besok lah.  Hehe.

I’m taking care of the paediatric surgery ward without any partner this month.  That means working everyday including both saturday and sunday, but at least those weekends are half day unless I’m on-call.  But my medical officers and lecturer are great.  I hope they don’t have any problem with me.  I hope I’m getting better at inserting lines for little tiny babies.  It’s a cruel world.

But I really like it there.  Sometimes I’m too busy to even play with the babies, but I take time to pat and stroke and pinch them when I gave them IV drugs or when I pass by during my rounds.  Sometimes I do my own pm rounds at 2 juz to remind myself which patient is facing which illness and receiving what treatments.  Remembering 16 different patients is not that easy.

Can’t wait to see my nephew Ammar.  Hmm, now me and rusydan have to think of other short names starting with the letter A for our kids.  Rusydan kata kena cop nama awal2 so that kak chal and abg aswi tak amik dulu. hehehe

I’m taking 9 days leave for my end of posting, in this case, surgical posting.  I just haven’t figured out what to do yet.  I really want to travel, but I don’t know where and do what.  I’m still googling.

Anyway, at least I got one good news today.  The management is considering to put me in Medical posting next.  I’m still managing the thought that I’m going to be the next team leader.

I met Mama today.  I was tired, but I’m glad I met her today.  We talked.  Mostly I listened.  I haven’t meet up with my family members for such a long time, I feel awkward and out of place.  I feel better in her arms just now, feel so safe.  If anyone ask me who’s my true love, I have to say sorry to my husband because it’s not him, it’s my mother.

I wish for this blog not to be my little black book…stories of my downs and no ups.

But I need to ‘pen’ this down.  I hope I’ll forget about it once I throw the thoughts out of my brain.  The start…Saturday night, a patient admitted from Accident and Emergency, suspected acute appendicitis, and one of the order for her was KIV op under E (E for emergency).

Sunday morning round, my team wanted to observe the patient first, as the clinical signs is not strong enough to suggest acute appendicitis.  So I wrote the orders, KIV op under E, and continue observation.  When the round almost over, they asked me to cancel the patient’s name under the list.  Hmm, if the pt was put KIV under op, why did they list the patient for op?  But I did as they ordered.  And what do you know, when I got to the list, the nurse told me patient was under GA (general anaesthesia) already.  I called the OT, talked to the anaes to stop the op.  The surgeon must be angry, and called my team doc.  I didn’t know what the conversation was between them.

But pt went for appendicectomy eventually.  She did have inflammed appendix (the doc told me, lucky me!).

This morning, my doc told me the consultant knew abt the case and the miscommunication (mismanagement?).  He asked me what I note down in the notes the day before, and what I did with the list.  I told him exactly what happened.  He said next time I should write down properly, ‘Not for op yet’.

I felt the blame was totally put on me.  Stress was mounting today, but life continues.  I really feel they are blaming me.

And then, my current team leader told me that I’m probably the next team leader for next month replacing him.  Common la, I’m not a good leader.  I’ve already put my name on the ‘caution!’ list in the Surgical department…today made it twice!

I don’t want this extra responsibilities.  The medical officers would just laugh if they announce I’m the next team leader, the person who made big mistakes twice in 2 months.

Being a houseman here sucks.  4 months in Obs and gynae, never been able to do forceps, vacuum, mrp, evacuation of POC, DnC and LSCS.  It’s already a good thing I’ve voluntered to join their OT.  And being 2 months in Surgical, I only watched appendicectomy twice, and a colleague of mine in a district hospital already performed the operation in less than 2 month!

I feel like an attendant with a price in signature.  We are here to run errands, take blood, trace notes, trace CT scans, trace folders because it kept missing, sending the patient down for radiological procedures, sometimes because the attendant is missing.

They say the MOs in GHKL would treat the junior MOs from this hospital like House officers.  I understand why.

I hope this phase pass.  I sure don’t have the mood to go to do my ‘routine’ tomorrow, but we just have to early, 630 am because it’s op day.

Not deliberately, but I feel that I’ve contribute a lot to it.  So a colleague told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because ’she’ wouldn’t help herself to get better.  But it was my fault she didn’t recieve two days of IV Pantoprazole.  I should have told my lecturer that the Pharmacy wouldn’t let deliver the stock to the ward.

If I had given that two days dose, she wouldn’t have rebleed. Probably?  Mr Y said I may not have been the cause of the rebleed, but I feel that  I am.  So the OGDScope said that there was no more bleeding after that episode, but she did bleed a lot even for that one day episode of melena.  Because of that, she didn’t have to go for partial gastrectomy.

But she did have acute renal failure, and then suddenly develop pulmonary oedema.  And 1 week later after I got transfered to another surgical team, I found out she had been sent to ICU.

I didn’t saw her today.  I saw her son.  I saw a troly for a dead body came in the ICU this morning, and my heart sunk.  I knew it was her.  I need to find out tomorrow what she died of.  Was it the bleeding duodenal ulcer?  The massive pulmonary effusion?  That would have been prevented by pleural tap, and we’ve done that for her already.  Or is it the acute renal failure just worsens whatever her underlying condition?

I remember how difficult it was to take her consent…for any type of procedure.  We had to console and persuade her for every procedure, and it would take hours.  I remember when she came, she said she wouldn’t mind dying, she just want to go back.  We wanted to do an emergency laparotomy, and when she finally agrees at 6 pm (she was admitted since 10 am), it was a perforated duodenal ulcer.  We had to call for relatives who can persuade her again and again.  She kept wanting to go back to Kedah.  She was only in her 50s.

Is it because she didn’t believe in us?  Maybe so.  Maybe I should have visit by her bed more often even after I change team, but that’s the past I can never go back to.  Sometimes I go back to her notes, to see her progress, but this last week, I didn’t.

I just feel bad about it.  The thought was clouding my head even when Rusydan took me the movie to see Eragon, when I’m riding the lrt, and even when looking at Primavera shoes!  The worst thing is, I saw the family in the hallway, but I didn’t know what to say to them.  I didn’t even say ’sorry’.  Guilt, I guess.

because I’m sleepy and tired.  But I don’t want to sleep yet.  It’s 11.30 pm, and tomorrow is working day.  The day is too short.  I’m sleepy yet I don’t want to sleep. 

And then I remember my nephews and nieces when they were just babies, 1 2 years old, always energetic.  They simply refuse to go to sleep even when their head is nodding off, saliva drooling and wiping them off on my sleeves, and eyes partially ptosis (eyes closed involuntarily in medical term).  And what do they do to keep awake? Mengamuk, merajuk, mengada-ngada mintak dokong, raised their brows so their eyelids won’t shut (but I used to do that during certain lectures, hehe).  Semua tak nak tido.  I guess they really do feel that the day is short, and sleeping is just a waste of time, because they could have played more, do more learn more.  Okay, simply PLAY more.

I want to play more

Yet I’m sleepy

But I still want to browse the net

Work starts at 730 tomorrow

And I’m missing the End of Year SALES!

Sigh

I’m going…zzzZZZzzz