ici hidup lagi!

I’m taking 9 days leave for my end of posting, in this case, surgical posting.  I just haven’t figured out what to do yet.  I really want to travel, but I don’t know where and do what.  I’m still googling.

Anyway, at least I got one good news today.  The management is considering to put me in Medical posting next.  I’m still managing the thought that I’m going to be the next team leader.

I met Mama today.  I was tired, but I’m glad I met her today.  We talked.  Mostly I listened.  I haven’t meet up with my family members for such a long time, I feel awkward and out of place.  I feel better in her arms just now, feel so safe.  If anyone ask me who’s my true love, I have to say sorry to my husband because it’s not him, it’s my mother.

I wish for this blog not to be my little black book…stories of my downs and no ups.

But I need to ‘pen’ this down.  I hope I’ll forget about it once I throw the thoughts out of my brain.  The start…Saturday night, a patient admitted from Accident and Emergency, suspected acute appendicitis, and one of the order for her was KIV op under E (E for emergency).

Sunday morning round, my team wanted to observe the patient first, as the clinical signs is not strong enough to suggest acute appendicitis.  So I wrote the orders, KIV op under E, and continue observation.  When the round almost over, they asked me to cancel the patient’s name under the list.  Hmm, if the pt was put KIV under op, why did they list the patient for op?  But I did as they ordered.  And what do you know, when I got to the list, the nurse told me patient was under GA (general anaesthesia) already.  I called the OT, talked to the anaes to stop the op.  The surgeon must be angry, and called my team doc.  I didn’t know what the conversation was between them.

But pt went for appendicectomy eventually.  She did have inflammed appendix (the doc told me, lucky me!).

This morning, my doc told me the consultant knew abt the case and the miscommunication (mismanagement?).  He asked me what I note down in the notes the day before, and what I did with the list.  I told him exactly what happened.  He said next time I should write down properly, ‘Not for op yet’.

I felt the blame was totally put on me.  Stress was mounting today, but life continues.  I really feel they are blaming me.

And then, my current team leader told me that I’m probably the next team leader for next month replacing him.  Common la, I’m not a good leader.  I’ve already put my name on the ‘caution!’ list in the Surgical department…today made it twice!

I don’t want this extra responsibilities.  The medical officers would just laugh if they announce I’m the next team leader, the person who made big mistakes twice in 2 months.

Being a houseman here sucks.  4 months in Obs and gynae, never been able to do forceps, vacuum, mrp, evacuation of POC, DnC and LSCS.  It’s already a good thing I’ve voluntered to join their OT.  And being 2 months in Surgical, I only watched appendicectomy twice, and a colleague of mine in a district hospital already performed the operation in less than 2 month!

I feel like an attendant with a price in signature.  We are here to run errands, take blood, trace notes, trace CT scans, trace folders because it kept missing, sending the patient down for radiological procedures, sometimes because the attendant is missing.

They say the MOs in GHKL would treat the junior MOs from this hospital like House officers.  I understand why.

I hope this phase pass.  I sure don’t have the mood to go to do my ‘routine’ tomorrow, but we just have to early, 630 am because it’s op day.

Not deliberately, but I feel that I’ve contribute a lot to it.  So a colleague told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because ’she’ wouldn’t help herself to get better.  But it was my fault she didn’t recieve two days of IV Pantoprazole.  I should have told my lecturer that the Pharmacy wouldn’t let deliver the stock to the ward.

If I had given that two days dose, she wouldn’t have rebleed. Probably?  Mr Y said I may not have been the cause of the rebleed, but I feel that  I am.  So the OGDScope said that there was no more bleeding after that episode, but she did bleed a lot even for that one day episode of melena.  Because of that, she didn’t have to go for partial gastrectomy.

But she did have acute renal failure, and then suddenly develop pulmonary oedema.  And 1 week later after I got transfered to another surgical team, I found out she had been sent to ICU.

I didn’t saw her today.  I saw her son.  I saw a troly for a dead body came in the ICU this morning, and my heart sunk.  I knew it was her.  I need to find out tomorrow what she died of.  Was it the bleeding duodenal ulcer?  The massive pulmonary effusion?  That would have been prevented by pleural tap, and we’ve done that for her already.  Or is it the acute renal failure just worsens whatever her underlying condition?

I remember how difficult it was to take her consent…for any type of procedure.  We had to console and persuade her for every procedure, and it would take hours.  I remember when she came, she said she wouldn’t mind dying, she just want to go back.  We wanted to do an emergency laparotomy, and when she finally agrees at 6 pm (she was admitted since 10 am), it was a perforated duodenal ulcer.  We had to call for relatives who can persuade her again and again.  She kept wanting to go back to Kedah.  She was only in her 50s.

Is it because she didn’t believe in us?  Maybe so.  Maybe I should have visit by her bed more often even after I change team, but that’s the past I can never go back to.  Sometimes I go back to her notes, to see her progress, but this last week, I didn’t.

I just feel bad about it.  The thought was clouding my head even when Rusydan took me the movie to see Eragon, when I’m riding the lrt, and even when looking at Primavera shoes!  The worst thing is, I saw the family in the hallway, but I didn’t know what to say to them.  I didn’t even say ’sorry’.  Guilt, I guess.